Ryan...

I cant get him out of my mind.

He hasnt left my mind since August 16th. The last day we spent together. I miss him soo much.

I met him that night back in August at Kevins party and we hooked up. He asked me for my # and i gave it to him... not really expecting him to call. But he did. And he invited me to do something w/ him. And that continued. I spent EVERY day w/ him that he was here. And i loved it. I loved every minute spent w/ him. He always said the right things. At a time where i was greiving the end of a relationship (w/ Chris) he made me feel special. He would constantly tell me how beautiful i am... and how nice my body is. And i needed that. I still do at times. It was doomed from the beginning and i knew that. I found out the day i met him that he was at the university of Tennessee at Chatanooga and that he had to return shortly.. I guess thats partially why i didnt think anything would happen.

I remember that night at Kevins soo well. I remember EVERYTHING about it. I know exactly what i was wearing and how my hair was done. I remember showing up at Kevins in my track pants and t-shirt w/ Robin and Hollie after work. We had just gotten McDonalds. First thing we did was walk into the backyard where he and his friends were sitting. Me and Robin didnt know any of them. I thought he was beautiful the moment i saw him. But i was too shy. He was the second oldest guy at the party and there was no way i'd have a chance.. I guess i was wrong. Me and Robin drove Amanda home and in payment she gave me her leftover loaded sodas which i desperately needed. I needed some liquid courage. I drank them in the basement. Sitting and giggling on the couch w/ Robin and Cheryl. I remember it all sooo well. He was across the room on a chair by himself. I soo wanted to go sit on the chair beside him but i couldnt. I wanted to talk to him. but i didnt have the guts. he was too good looking. He was acting as dj. He asked us if we had any requests and we decided on Life by: Our Lady Peace. I still love that song. It reminds me of him. We were both so unbelievably shy.. but finally through his brother and Hollie we ended up outside together talking. Then we ended up upstairs in Kevins parents room. Robin drove him home and he held my hand the whole way..

The second night we were together we all went down to Rotary Park in Ajax. Everyone ended up leaving but me, Ryan and Mike B. They knew each other from track at Pine Ridge and were sharing memories and such for awhile while we sat on a log in front of a small fire Ryan had built. I was just staring at the flames when Ryan reached over to hold my hand and smile at me. That felt amazing. We left shortly afterwards and dropped Mike home then spent some more time together.

The best without a doubt though was camping. We had to share a tent and a sleeping bag which meant i got to spend all night huddled close to him. An amazing feeling. His body was always warm. It was all so perfect because i got along w/ all of his friends. I'll never forget accidently overhearing Matt (his bro) saying good stuff about me. That was so sweet. Or when we were camping and Amanda asked me how long i'd been w/ Ryan for... Since it was only the third day i'd known him i wasnt fully sure we were together. We'd never talked about it. So i turned to him and tapped his shoulder. My question? 'umm Ryan, are we together?' he smiled and quickly replied 'yes'. I turned back to my conversation w/ Amanda and answered her...'2 days'. It was all so good.

The day after camping he had to go to the cottage. I met his dad that day! I'll never forget him calling RIGHT before he left just to tell me he'd miss me. It was the sweetest thing. And then again the second he got back from camping and my cell rang. I was at the mall w/ Amy, Steve A. and Nate.. I was eating a cinnabon and i answered my phone, ecstatic that he was back. My friends ate the rest of my cinnabon but i didnt even care. I was just so happy that i'd get to see him again that night. And i did. I went over to Luke's after work and he was in the little play house thing in the backyard. First thing he said to me? 'i missed you'. It was just all so perfect and we were both so alike. Amy had told me from the beginning not to get emotionally attached but it was too late. By the second night it was too late. I was attached. And so was he. He told me that it was almost like love at first sight when he saw me at Kevins that night.

Then there was our last day. We went and saw American Pie 2. Then we both went home. I had a soccer game that got rained out then i went over to Luke's so that i could see Ryan on his last night. While at Luke's house i didnt get to spend the entire night w/ him but that was understandable as they were all his friends and they were all gonna miss him too. At one point i found him out in Luke's backyard, alone, just looking up at the stars. I sat w/ him for a bit, then we went to my house to spend some time alone on his last night. I thought it would all be ok. His parents gave him a 12 midnight curfew cause he had to leave by 5am. He didnt get home till 1:30am. he didnt mind though... It was his choice. I drove him and Matt home and Matt took some pics of us. I thought i could deal w/ it all. Sure i'd miss him but we'd still talk and it'd be ok right? We said goodbye and i drove home.

He called me the day after he'd arrived back to Tennessee. It was 3am but he knew i'd be up cause he knew i had been at the beach party. I was ecstatic to hear his voice.. so surprised. and so happy. We've talked about once a week since then, sometimes more, sometimes less. but approxametly once a week. And i look forward to those phone calls. He always makes me feel so amazing. I'm so glad his voice is on the answering machine so that even when he's not home i can still be comforted by the sound of his voice.

It's been a month and a half and i'm still attached. i still like him more than ever. And i miss him. I really hope he comes back for thanksgiving and im going to try and call him tonight.

For his b/day part of his present was a note i wrote for him about what he means to me and all that. He loved it. he said he'd never gotten anything like that before. I wrote in that note that if i were to have more time w/ him i KNOW i'd fall in love w/ him. Hell i'd already started falling. But it's ok cause i'm pretty sure he had too.

I've just been thinking about him SOO much lately and especially today that i had to get it all off of my chest.

<< / >>

Keepin it alive! - 2006-02-05
i've moved on... - 2005-11-02
who knows... - 2005-09-18
Were no longer together. - 2005-09-01
Happy - 2005-08-11